I hear this a lot these days, as my 2-year-old finds finds new and creative ways to make me want to sink into the floor. “My son never flung himself on the floor of a restaurant.” “My daughter never attempted to eat shampoo.” “My child never did (insert inappropriate, possibly illegal, activity here).” It seems like every parent besides me has somehow managed to raise the perfect toddler.
But I’m starting to wonder about this “perfect toddler.” They seem to exist more in memory than in reality. I’ve noticed that those parents regaling me with tales of well-behaved, docile toddlers are either immersed in nostalgia or are too exhausted to notice their toddler has emptied the entire refrigerator and placed all the eggs in individual Tupperware containers.
I’m convinced that this perfect toddler is a mythical creature, a bit like a unicorn or delicious sugar-free ice cream. What does this perfect toddler look like? Here are five traits of the mythical, perfect toddler, should you happen to see one in the wild, calmly eyeing the toy aisle at Target without a hint of malice in his eyes.