You’ve done the impossible. You’ve spent the morning bouncing your baby, scaling the jungle gym with your toddler, and chasing your preschooler around the yard – you’ve finally exhausted those little bundles of energy. And now, the big payoff: your kids are all napping – at the exact same time. You and your spouse race to the bedroom, ready for at least 15 minutes of hot, steamy passion. The door is locked, socks are off, and John Legend croons from the radio. It’s on.
Unfortunately, you’ve underestimated these tiny humans, and their quest to avoid sleep at any cost — including your love life. Here are 10 reasons your afternoon delight isn’t happening today.
- Baby suddenly wails from his bedroom, having determined that the Winnie-the-Pooh bears on his crib sheet are out to get him. After three readings of Goodnight, Moon, he settles back down, apparently having reached détente with the nefarious, honey-wielding beasts sharing his crib.
2. Toddler has made a break for the refrigerator. Unfortunately, once there he realizes he doesn’t know how to open the door, and begins loudly protesting the abuses of the establishment, while eating a Cheerio off the floor. You return your little rabble-rouser to his bed — where he passes out, dreaming of revolution, doorless refrigerators, and cheese.
3. You suddenly hear Sofia the First loudly “finding out what being royal’s all about” in the living room. You venture into the living room to toss the remote control out the window — and your preschooler back into bed.
4. Just as things get steamy, your husband’s phone starts buzzing out of control. Apparently there is a fantasy football emergency, requiring immediate action to restore stability to the mock NFL.
5. A strange noise erupts from the depths of your closet. A singing monkey, wedged under a pair of stiletto heels you haven’t worn since college, belts out a tune about friendship and WILL. NOT. STOP (even after you’ve removed the batteries, knocked it around, and performed an exorcism).
6. Baby emits a series of thunderous snores over the monitor, which you forgot to turn off. You’re temporarily distracted by how much your infant sounds like your Great Uncle Giuseppe.
7. Rolling over in bed, you suddenly realize your husband isn’t being kinky… that’s Barbie’s foot poking you in the butt (from when she and Princess Celestia had a tea party in your bed, of course).
8. More snores from the baby monitor. This time you swear he’s spelling out “Pooh Bear Attack” in Morse code.
9. You discover that, in a sleep-deprived haze, during your last trip the drugstore you bought five Slim Jims and a dancing snowman instead of prophylactics. Caught up in the moment, you wonder if you should chance it, when suddenly…
10. Baby, toddler, and preschooler all start crying at once — plaintively demanding “MAMA,” “DADA,” and various food products. Suddenly, you wonder if you ever really want to have sex again.
Finding time for intimacy with kids around can be hard. By the time they go to bed at night, it’s a miracle if you have enough energy to make it to the living room couch without collapsing. If you’re lucky, you can drop the kids off with Grandma for a night, put on those heels in the back of your closet (after tossing the monkey, of course), and rekindle the matrimonial flame. Otherwise, desperate times call for desperate measures. Turn down the baby monitor, leave a giant pile of cheese in the kitchen, and lock the bedroom door. The kids will be all right for 15 minutes – and, hey, a happy parent is a good parent, right?
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